(Author\’s Note: I wrote this last winter, before pandemics, before isolation and self- monitoring. But it has sat on my computer waiting for the right moment to be shared. Almost a year later, here we are)
Popped my kids into bed. Let them snuggle into my big king sized bed because, how long are they really going to think that’s cool. The oldest asked if I could stay in the room while he falls asleep, so here I am sitting at the foot of the bed, our geriatric dog snoring away beside me. Some Taylor Swift circa 2017 playing New Year’s Day in the background. I’m looking right outside and there are gusts of flurries blowing around and settling onto the evergreen branches. Things are chill, open suitcase with partial packing for a trip that’s still 8 days away, a testament to my love of control. Twice today I’ve paused and thought about how relaxed I feel. Truly relaxed. It might seem like an odd thing, the awareness of peace, but for anyone who has experienced the weight of panic or anxiety, the feeling of calmness needs to be recognized and cherished.
When people find out we are heading on vacation, there is a kind mention of how nice it will be, the improved weather, time with family, and I smile and nod. How lucky are we to have the time, health and finances to travel away with our family? This is 100% the truth. And this mantra actually has been so helpful in working through my panic. But let me sneak in a peek of what I have been like to travel with over the past year.
Sometime in 2018 I developed a panic attack while out of town. Overwhelming sense of doom, fear of enclosed space, urgent need to escape, sweatiness, lightheadedness, urgent need to seek medical attention (remember, I’m a doctor). It was INSANE. I am a trained medical professional and did have some (minimal at the time) insight into the fact that my symptoms did fit with panic. Even so, at the time I was insanely fearful that I would suffer some sort of medical emergency in public. I made it onto my flight home, and the sensation really only subsided at that point. Then it happened again while travelling. I have MAD respect for the human body to be able to create such intense and powerful physical symptoms out of unhelpful and maladaptive thoughts. What if I get diarrhea—> cue chest pain, sweating, short of breath, dry mouth. Now I’m feeling quite sick, I will most certainly pass out —> cue worsening fast breathing, lightheaded, sweating, sense of impending doom and need to escape. I will not be able to get on the plane—>continued physical symptoms—> behaviour changes to avoid travelling at all costs.
Seems okay right? So I won’t travel by plane again. No biggie. Except that your maladaptive thought patterns, physical symptoms and behavioural responses are SO SMART. I end up starting to have panic attacks in restaurants, urgently needing to escape or feeling paralyzed by fear and not wanting to say anything, being unable to eat because my mouth is so dry. In a period of a few months, my world was closing inwards. I started to have anxiety about having panic attacks, wondering when the next one will occur. How can I plan my life to avoid any situation in which I might panic? I hated the physical sensation of panic and worked hard to avoid it. I even had thoughts that I would have to stop practicing medicine. I didn’t want to go into small houses. I had panic attacks in a condo. In restaurants. In basements. I started to get chest pain while I was trying to work out and began believing I may have something seriously wrong with me.
Let’s pause to note a few things.
1. After the first episode, I went to my family doctor and made sure my blood work and vitals were normal. There are a few medical conditions that can present with symptoms of anxiety which are important to rule out.
2. I booked in with my psychologist to start therapy. I had a history of depressive and anxious symptoms which flared here and there, so was already very familiar with the need and importance of therapy. She was INSTRUMENTAL in pushing me forward and honing in on the fact that I cannot avoid. Let’s repeat that. Avoidance is like coal for the panic train. If I avoid the trigger, and feel okay, well than I am proving that whatever that trigger was, must have truly been terrible. But then the triggers widen, the avoidance widens, and your world narrows. Some patients have such severe agoraphobia that they are unable to leave their house without support. (Remember, I was working under the guidance of my own care team, and you shouldn\’t try any specific exposure therapy without guidance and recommendations from your own)
3. I wasn’t using any substances, and cut out alcohol all together during this time to make sure my social wine enjoyments were not making my symptoms worse.
Fast forward a year. I still do not like flying. I still try to book the aisle seat, and travel with a laundry list of medication to cure almost any physical symptom/illness that might crop up in the few hours I am in the airport and plane, far beyond what would be considered reasonable. I have to use countless mindfulness techniques to get me through delays in flights and long lines, like diaphragmatic breathing, Headspace, and get an amazing sense of relief when finally at the destination. BUT, I am doing it. I am choosing to not let fear or panic rule my life. I will accept the discomfort of the panic attack as it seizes hold, and I will breathe through the physical symptoms, because they are sensations only.
I will repeat mantras, mainly, “I am a bad ass” (thank you to author Jen Sincero). Each flight gets a little easier. When I am distracted enough to feel okay in an airport, I am getting much better at congratulating myself on how far I’ve come in a year. I look around, note how high the ceilings are, remind myself of the space, safety and gratitude for the ability to take these journeys.
I think of the panic now like a wave that ebbs and flows, and won’t ever leave me, but that’s okay. It will crest and pass. And honestly, if the water were stale and still, then the mosquitos would come and I am really, really not a fan of mosquitos. So wavy waters it is for me.
Disclaimer: this is my own story. Any specific treatments or discussion are from my recollection and do not represent advice. As always, this is meant to bring light to the fact that mental health affects us all, and if you think you are experiencing symptoms of a mood disorder, please talk to your doctor.
If you or someone you know are experiencing symptoms of suicidality, please call 1-833-456-4566 Canada Suicide Prevention Line
Let’s pause to note a few things.
Dr. Lorraine Sharp 