With some critical conversations coming in my future, I struggle with the concept of being enough. That there doesn’t have to be a competition with myself, a constant wanting and needing more of things, more of work, more of life. An unhealthy relationship with want brings me into a realm of comparison, reading all the comments, getting lost in my own head and closing my eyes thinking about all the shame we bring on ourselves by thinking of what others are actually saying about us.
For me, up until this point, I have stayed small, stayed safe, despite the nagging feeling of change brewing in my core. With bipolar disorder, my symptoms of being “up” include an unpleasant restlessness, constant movement and racing thoughts, being overly goal directed and starting a ton of projects only to leave them quickly and move onto the next. I think my husband noticed something was up when I (usually quite an unorganized happily messy person) was scrubbing the floors of our house for the seventh time that week. It becomes difficult to work with the racing thoughts, I begin doubting myself, and the cycle continues until a crash occurs. After a period of time being on the “up” side, I often crash down into a depression with symptoms of hopelessness, tearfulness and fatigue. Sometimes I can overcome this period quickly, and other times I am required to take some time away from work in order to recover fully.
The struggle of being enough is strong. The self doubt of whether I am good enough to practice medicine, the shame of having a mental health disorder where I look “fine” and yet cannot function well enough to work as a physician is strong. I sit with the discomfort here typing of whether I will find my place in the world, and whether my contributions will matter, and whether I can generate a legacy to make my kids proud.
I choose not to be silent about my mental health because our voice is the antidote to shame. We can be loud, demanding better resources for mental health in our community and province. Standing up to the idea that mental health is whole health, and building resilience and treatments need to be normalized to have healthier parents, workers and relationships. We cannot be silent anymore. We have to be enough, enough for ourselves and one another in this all together this beautiful mess of life.
When I am in that shame spiral, I am getting better at catching myself and taking a nice deep filling breath. Repeating to myself “you are not your thoughts”, and “you are enough”. If that isn’t helping, I’ll grab a journal and start getting it down on paper so I can start to truly visualize how these thoughts look. To write things down is to separate the thoughts from your true self, to see them from the perspective of someone else, and to start to create healthy challenges to those thoughts.
I don’t necessarily know what the future will hold for me, but I am confident that I am not alone. And that I am enough. I allow myself all the feelings and a few bad days, but I always come back to the breath. And the mantra, that I am enough.
You are enough too. Thank you for being with me in this space.
Lorraine
Dr. Lorraine Sharp 